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I need some help and advice, please.......
Submitted by Anonymous on Mon, 10/12/2009 - 13:24
I did do a little searching to see if there is already a topic on this, and while there are some that are similar, this one is a little bit different. So without further ado, I will tell my tale and ask for your assistance, please.
My husband and I were married for 10 years and have 4 children together. Around the end of May my husband decided he wasn't happy, couldn't give a reason why, and went out to find a girlfriend. He didn't tell me about her, I found out about her on my own. Anyway, after seeing him for about 3 weeks, she told him she loved him and he left her and got a new girlfriend. Didn't tell me about this one either, I had to find that out for myself.
There is a lot more to all of this, but I am trying to keep this somewhat short and to the point. He decided to move out in July. He spent about a week sleeping on different peoples' couches before moving in with her. He is unemployed, she is paying for his cell phone, lets him drive her car, he doesn't have to pay rent, etc.
He has been coming to my house to stay with the kids, while I leave to go other places, like errands or whatever. But a couple of weeks ago we started talking about the alternating weekends thing. I know this is typical. I knew it was coming. Anyway, today he dropped the bomb that if I want him to take the kids on Wednesday nights so I can go to a support group, I have to drop them off at his/her house.
I have several issues with them being around her.
1. It's a moral thing. She knew my husband was married. I sent her several messages and she didn't/doesn't care. I don't want her teaching her lack of values to my kids.
The rest are all more personal and issues that I have to deal with.
2. I am afraid that she is going to try to replace me in their life.
3. I am afraid they will become more attached to her than they are to me.
4. I am afraid she will try to buy their affections.
5. I am afraid that she really is a nice person, and my kids get all attached to her and then he does the same thing to her, upsetting my kids all over again.
I have plenty of common sense and it is telling me that these last 4 issues really are a bit ridiculous. Unfortunately, because of everything that has happened, my self-esteem is buried under the basement somewhere and I am having trouble digging it back up, which means that these same issues are prevalent and seem to be taking precedence over everything else I need to accomplish right now.
I am not looking for validation or sympathy. I need advice as to how to deal with these issues so that I will be at least a little bit okay while my kids are at his/her house. Any help with this will be appreciated. And before anyone else suggests it, I do attend a support group at my church for divorced people, so I am getting some outside help.
Anyway, that's my story. Any suggestions? Other than just get over it and move on?
Your comments are welcomed and will be appreciated..
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Worried single parent,
I think the best way to deal with this problem, is to open up to your exhusband. You have to forget the disappointments of your relatioship with your ex. Your common sense allready knows that. Tell ur ex you will always be the mother of your kids. Then you remind ur kids u will always be their mother. As far as the girlfriend, u must try to create a good and healthy somewhat relationship because again common sense will tell you that she is part of ur ex life. The most important thing is that your kids need there biological parents for any support, You raise them since day 1 and they only rely on you and your ex. Remember the time when u were a kid yourself. You look for your parents always when u need something. Well your kids will do the same. Dont worry how they will be around the girlfriend. Just ask them question always on how they are being treated. If the girlfriend treat them good then that woud be great because you would not want them to be treated bad, right. Now if they are being treated badly then u call the authorities or u tell ur ex wat is going on. But always tell ur kids to be truthful and strong not be afraid if their is something bad that happens and tell u right away. As far as your relationship with ur ex, keep that war in peace for the sake of ur kids. Remember ur kids will become an adult oneday. Give them them alot of peace and happiness in there childhood teens until they can manage themselves as an adult.
ValkyrieHJR
The hard part is that I truly am intelligent enough that my common sense is telling me all of these things. It is a bruised ego. In fact, my self esteem is so low, I think it is buried somewhere underneath the basement.
I know the biggest and best healer is time. But on top of that, are there any ideas to make it a little easier to handle in time being?
I really don't want to involve my kids in my hurt and anger. And it is really hard when they come into the room and I am crying to explain that it is nothing for them to worry about.
As for getting a sitter, unfortunately, that is not really an option, as I am currently looking for work (thanks to the economy and my last company not making very good business decisions) and can't really afford a sitter.
I need some help and advice, please.......
Hun I really feel for you, HOWEVER no matter how hard you try to protect you kids from knowing about the immorality of life, like women hooking up with married men, they will know... If they don't get it today, they will... It is going to be up to them to decide if they want to respect that or not...
1. Sounds like he's trying to force your hand, and get you to accept the situation, other wise, he figures your on your own... OK, that is his right, he can do that... However you can get a sitter because you don't feel comfortable with the idea...
2. Hun this is a very hurt bruised ego talking... Unless you are total beast of a mother, then there is no reason to fear this.. Mums love runs extremely deep... Same will go when you heal, get your move forward shoes on, and meet someone...
Try not to let this fear rule your life, simply because it isn't going to happen. Yes, you will deal with your children being exposed to someone else... However if you try to alienate your kids from dad because of YOUR fears, they will only feel put in the middle of an adult situation they never expected to be placed in...
Yes it is hard, and it hurts, but kids before a wounded pride and ego... It will do your kids the greatest favor than you know right now...
3. read back to two... This is YOUR fear and hurt ego talking... Remember kids are very smart, and probably will not be that thrilled with the woman that broke dad and mom up... THEY need an adult to help them with those feelings, a hurt mum adding to their own confusion is not going to help...
4. Well ok, she is footing the bill for you estranged spouse, is she really the wealthy to buy you kids affection as well??? Once again, kids may buy in to the goodies for a few minutes, then it is back to who has really been there... PROMISE...
5. For your kids sack lets hope she IS a nice woman... there is nothing worse for kids, then a person who is horrible to them, and making feel like their own dad is not their own any longer...
If she is nice, and he leaves her, that is tough stuff, but once again a level headed parent there for the fall will make up for any stupidity he may put out....
This is tough time for you hun... You were blind sided, and now kicked in the ovaries, or at least it feels, however in time when you get your feet back under you, and the routine back in life, things will settle down....
Tough to be put i this position and understand the why... Sometimes we are better off not even trying to figure this kind of stuff out, because no matter what it won't make sense, or make us feel better about the situation...
Keep going to your support group, and stop fearing.... YES the unknown IS scary, however spouses behaving badly leaving the other in a really vulnerable and bad position come place...
The fears you have aren't uncommon, however are something that are almost the least of your worries... What your estranged spouse does is NOT something you can control, however how YOU react is something you can...
My best wishes for you...